i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
