I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
