he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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