Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
