nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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