I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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