Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
