I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
