at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize