i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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