Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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