Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
