STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
