Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize