You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize