I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
only if we run a train.
done.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
