Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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