I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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