I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
