she woke up with a sticky ear
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
