I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
