Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
