Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
