Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
