I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I intend to get homeless drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
