i need an iv and a liver transplant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
