I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
