Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
