K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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