she looked like the bat from fern gully.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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