She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
