she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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