Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
