You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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