Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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