just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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