Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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