you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
