drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
