I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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