I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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