I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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