based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
