i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
