I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
