New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
