If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
