Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
