I feel great
I just peed on a car
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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