I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
