Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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