Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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