this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
