I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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