I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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