hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
