my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
